Why asking for support feels so good

Your nervous system wants to know that you are safe. When it senses that you aren’t safe, it will either go into overdrive or a version of shutdown. Overdrive is when you are anxious or angry with fast paced thoughts. Shutdown is when it is a struggle to take action and connect with others. One of the hardest parts of this, for me, is asking for help when I need it. This has come up BIG in our house recently.

My daughter is about 23 months. From the moment I tried to transition her from the bassinet to her crib, she wasn’t having it. For my own sleep and sanity, I made the decision to cosleep. This worked well for us for about a year and a half. Now, for a variety of reasons, we are ready to have her sleep in her own space.

We set out to get her in the crib at night (she naps there, better for other caregivers than us, but she will). It went okay at first. She had lots of wakeups but I had some endurance to support her in the beginning. This went on for a bit. She and I both got bad colds (because no-one was sleeping) and she had a fall which resulted in a bumped lip. From this point on her resistance to the crib at night increased and I started to unravel.

Those middle of the night moments are so hard. I am so tired, still quasi sick and we both are struggling. I am frustrated and upset, she senses that, and this spiraled things further. The whole thing sucks. I purchased a sleep guide from @heysleepybaby and would read it in the middle of the night while rocking Clara.

The truth is, I was beyond the help of a guide. My fatigue levels and overwhelm were sky rocketing and we weren’t sleeping. I felt defeated and unsure of how to solve or even make any kind of progress in this scenario. And then, I started “shoulding” all over myself. I should have tried the crib sooner (spoiler alert, it wouldn’t have worked). I should be able to figure this out, I work with kids. I should be more patient. I oscillated between shoulding and worry. What am I going to do when the baby comes? Am I going to be sleeping with a toddler and a baby? Am I ever going to sleep again?

As you can imagine, no part of my nervous system felt safe. And what started as middle of the night stress, extended to full day stress. I kept going back to @heysleepybaby’s Instagram page and clicking the link in her bio. I saw she offered a consultation call with her or one of her associates. It was something I could make work in our budget, but I hesitated. The shoulds, the worry and the dysregulation holding me back. My husband was on board with the call, it was me. This went on for about a week longer and finally I signed up.

That one act, of saying I need help and asking for it, felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I signed up on a Thursday and our call was for the following Monday. Everything about sleep FELT different that weekend. She still didn’t want to be in her crib but I no longer felt panicked or burdened by this. Help was on the way, I had someone I could talk to and who would SUPPORT ME.

I met with one of the sleep consultants, Mariana. In our call we problem solved several sleep scenarios. Much of the call was Mariana validating that what I thought should come next for us was a good idea. That validation meant EVERYTHING. I also got some new ideas to try.

Is sleep now perfect in our home? Nope. We are still waiting for some items in the mail for my daughters new sleep set up. Sometimes I am more patient, other times I am still frustrated. But I no longer feel helpless.

This is the power of support. Not in a fluffy cliche way, but from a nervous system perspective. When I show my nervous system that I am supporting myself in my struggles, my window of tolerance expands. In that expansion I can hold space more for those frustrating moments. Those moments don’t go way, my frustration doesn't go away but my escalated reactions decrease.

I know I’m not the only one who tries to handle things all on her own, who shoulds all over herself instead of asking for help. I hope the next time you are in one of those scenarios you remember this story. I hope it inspires you to ask for help, in whatever way you need. If it happens to be in nervous system regulation I’m your girl. And if it happens to be in sleep I recommend @heysleepybaby and @marianacastaman!