Choosing Regulation in Relationships

Last week my daughter hurt her elbow while we were at work. She slid her hand underneath our ottoman and when she went pull her hand out it got caught and caused her to have “nursemaids” elbow. She is 100% fine, I took her to the doctor and he had to do a maneuver to “pop” it back in. She definitely was in pain that day, but by the next morning she was back to her full and happy self. 

As any parent knows, getting the “your kid is sick/hurt and needs you” phone call can cause a lot of stress. 

My husband and I are no exception to this stress.

So when we got that call, we bickered. I didn't answer the phone right away and he was annoyed, I knew Clara had been hurt, how could I not answer the phone?? Well, I was in the middle of an important call and thought he would text me or call back if it was an emergency (which he did and then we spoke). And blah, blah, blah…I don't need to fill in the rest, we have all been there.

 High stress, high emotions, big attitudes from all parties involved. 

I ended up being the one to leave work and go home, which was fully my choice, I wanted to be there with her (and at this point we didn't know what was going on exactly). As I got in my car I was very tempted to call my husband and continue the argument. To “give him a piece of my mind” and I almost did. But what stopped me?

How was that going to serve me and him? 

For one split second I remembered our nervous systems. 

We are both trying to work (multiple jobs mind you), we both love our kids beyond measure and we both were worried about Clara.

 Also known as we were both dysregulated.

 If I had called him back, we likely would have gotten into it further, which means I would have arrived home more dysregulated. That isn't what my daughter needed from me and it isn't what I needed.

On the car ride home I drove in silence to give my brain a break. I did some deep breathing into my low ribs and felt my feet firmly on the ground as I drove. 

These are regulation techniques that are really working for me right now. 

Later that night I told my husband I didn't like how he spoke to me on the phone and he told me how he didn't like that I didn't answer when I knew something might be up with Clara. AND THAT WAS IT! 

No extra drama, no attitude, no lengthy argument. 

We were totally fine with each other, because we were talking when we had re-regulated. 

In every single one of my 1:1 coaching containers, there is one session where my client comes on and they have had a fight with their partner. We rehash it and talk about regulation before, during and after. After each session I type up notes for my clients, summarizing what we spoke about. And every single time we review the notes in the next session, my clients says something to the effect of “that felt like such a big deal then, but now I almost forgot about it”. 

This is the power of regulation.

I am by NO means saying that you should tolerate someone speaking to you or treating you poorly.

 But I am saying when you and/or your partner are dysregulated….It's not the best time to talk. 

Your thinking brains aren't fully available, nothing productive will happen, I promise you. 

No one gets this right all of the time and that's okay. 

But the more you know about your nervous system and how it impacts you, the more you practice remembering your nervous system in the day to day, the more peace you can find on the regular.