Nervous System Regulation is a Family Affair

Do you ever feel like when your energy is off the whole house crumbles?

Does that sometimes feel overwhelming, like it is all on you to hold everyone together?

Does this leave you kind of annoyed at your partner, maybe even your kids?

Let me change this narrative for you. One, you're not wrong. Your energy does impact the energy of everyone else in the room. And the more other people are needing your energy to help them, the more depleted you will feel. 

At the same time, there are ways you can regulate yourself that will model to your entire family what it looks like to be centered, in control and handling all the stress. And guess what, they will match that energy too. 

Not only does this help with the tone of the house, the tone that you are now setting, but it also models coping skills for everyone around you. This includes your children and your partner. Just watch the ripple effect!!

Here are my top family regulation tools: 

-I consider our nervous system in everything we do. Our nervous system is like a bank account. We have deposits (things that give us more coping chemicals) and withdrawals (things that require a lot of coping chemicals). I am always aware of the families “balance” as a whole and my own individual balance. 

-Proactive Strategies: I have a set of these for me and for my kids. Movement is on both of our lists and sometimes we move together (family walk or dance parties). Sleep! I don't always have control over this but I am also thinking about my own level of sleep and my kids, knowing that when we don't sleep it is a nervous system withdrawal. I use the same approach for food (not eating hugely dysregulates me). I also look around at the sensory input in the environment, is it too loud and bright for one of us, how can I take things down a notch (if needed). 

-In the Moment Strategies: Despite my best efforts, the stress happens. I take a “birds eye view” of my family, who is the most dysregulated person in the room (is it me??). That is where I am going to start. For me, it can be a breath of fresh air, leaning my back against a wall, scheduling some self care time for later (either mentally or texting my husband). For my kids it can be helping them move big feelings out of their body (crashing into a pillow, pillow fight, angry coloring, dance party) and it might just be a big hug (lots of connection and deep pressure). If it is my partner, it is often space. Letting him move through his big feelings and come back to the scenario or conversation later. 

What does all of this do? I feel empowered, in control and capable in my home and in my role in our family system. I no longer feel like I am victim to my circumstances. I also feel deeply cared for and this allows me to deeply care for my loved ones! From this place I can see my kids as dysregulated, not “behaving badly”. From this place, I can see my partner as someone who has had a full day with an empty tank of a nervous system. He isn't being rude or disrespectful, he is in his moment too. And maybe most importantly, from this place I see myself differently too. I'm not short tempered, impatient or scattered. I am a human, with a nervous system, who needs a little attention.