The Mental Load
We have all heard of the mental load. The running list in your head of things to do. Here is mine right now:
-send in Jack’s camp tuition and medical form
-order Clara’s summer shoes
-switch my auto pay on one account
-message doctor about vitamins for Clara
-finish up certain task pre maternity leave
-many business things
The hardest part about the mental load is how much of your brain energy it takes up. When you have all that information floating around in your head, it can feel like if one thing shifts then the entire world crumbles. This is the mental load.
The keeping it all in your head, in my experience, is one of the worst things you can do for your nervous system. It’s just too much information to hold. This is why it feels like the world is crumbling whenever something shifts or one more thing is added. So what do you do?
Here are my top tips for managing the mental load:
4 square to do list: Take a piece of paper and fold it into 4 even squares. In each corner or square make a different category. Sometimes I do members of our family, other times I do life categories (business, full time job, kids, household) and other times I do priority/urgency (do today, this week, next month, this season). I love the visual ease of a list like this. It helps me to literally see what I have to do and which categories are overflowing. From here I am able to feel more capable as I go to tackle the list!
Common to do list: How many times have you and your partner had a “thing” over dueling to-do lists. It goes something like this in our house: my husband knows all week he wants to mow the lawn on Sunday. I see that the grass is getting long, but don’t register what that means for the weekend. Sunday comes along and my husband tells me his plan to do yard work. I get upset and feel a little bitter that he will be outside for a chunk of time and “I didn’t know”. The common to do list has solved this for us 1000%. Basically we keep a chalkboard in our kitchen. On that chalkboard we each write down the things we are managing for the household. The chalkboard is hung in a spot that we both walk by multiple times a day. So even if we don’t get to talk about it (or if we do and someone forgets), somewhere in the back corner of our mind registers that we saw it.
Do one thing at a time (or really know your brain!): This is a unique to me tip, when I am overwhelmed it helps me to focus on one thing at a time. BUT, my husband's brain operates best when he is doing several things at once. Know your brain and honor it. In general I do think it supports a nervous system to do one thing at a time, especially when you are overwhelmed. However, people have all different brains that process information differently. If you are someone who multitasking feels good to you, do that! The thing is to pay attention to how you work best outside of moments of stress. Check in with yourself frequently (when you are stressed or not) and then implement what you know works for you!
Remember, you're not being chased by a bear in the woods: It can often feel like our to do list is an emergency. Like if you don't get a certain task done something terrible and awful will happen. That often isn't true. I like this phrase because it helps me remember that nothing is a catastrophe. When I get a little bit more calm internally I am better able to complete the items on my to do list. That panic mode is complete dysregulation. If you are dysregulated your brain will be busy attending to that instead of figuring out a way to get the things on your list accomplished.
Ask for help: Can you outsource something on your to do list? Do you have to be the one to do ALLLLLL of it? I so struggle with this one, I tend to try and “power through”. However, when you are dysregulated tasks are harder to complete. You also make more mistakes. If I am considering and honoring my nervous system it feels better to ask for help in certain scenarios. It will allow me to be MORE productive than trying to do it all on my own.
Simplify: Your brain can only do so much. When you can tell your running on fumes, simplify. Get groceries delivered, leave laundry in baskets instead of putting away, order out. There are a million ways to simplify, you need to choose it! Again, so much of this stems from checking in with you and then giving your nervous system self care priority. I used to think grocery delivery was so unnecessary. Then when I started doing it I felt guilty about the delivery fee. Here is how I undid that line of reasoning. One- my sanity is worth more than the $9.99 + tip. Two- when I go to the store with my kids there is the “kid tax”. What is kid tax? The things they ask for, that I say yes to because I am completely overwhelmed trying to grocery shop and manage them (plus all the other life things). That is typically more than the delivery fee. So in the end it is WELL WORTH IT. Grocery delivery is one way I simplify on the weekends in this season of life!
Does the mental load overwhelm me at times, of course! BUT these techniques help me manage it and feel safe and supported internally. This is the core of nervous system regulation. I can’t make your stress or to do list magically disappear, but I can help you feel better when tackling it. Try some of these out and let me know how it goes!
