Choosing Regulation
If you follow me on Instagram you have seen my posts on choosing regulation and how we DON’T choose dysregulation (that’s a nervous system response). In today’s post I want to break that down further and give some real life examples of how this can play out.
First things first, dysregulation happens. The goal of my work is not to teach you how to be “calm” perpetually. That is not realistic and not healthy for one’s nervous system. However, many of us are stuck in chronic states of dysregulation and we don’t know that it’s happening (we just know we are stressed, overwhelmed, burnt out, exhausted…). The goal of my work is to help you recognize these two different states and have tools to move between them as your life requires.
If we are dysregulated WE DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CHOOSE REGULATION!! I have spent years in talk therapy (and found it incredibly useful). However, one of the most frustrating pieces of that time (before I was incorporating these practices) is that in the moment I couldn’t make the changes. I would fall back into old patterns even though I “knew” better. And this is because, when you are dysregulated you DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR THINKING BRAIN. All of that advice to “pause” to “respond and not react” only works if you are regulated.
In short… you don’t choose the meltdown moment (and neither do your kids). You don’t choose to yell, lose your patience or snap at your partner. Those moments are brought to you by a nervous system that is out of coping chemicals.
So what does choosing regulation look like?
1-You need to know what it feels like to be in a regulated (or even quasi regulated) state. If it has been a long time since you have been there, this can be hard! However, if your system has no idea what regulation is, it will be a tough state to go back to in moments of stress.
2-You put your regulation above all else (within reason). A real life examples of this…. In the morning it is hard to get my son out the door on time so I can be to work on time. I have lots of tips/tools to support us in that transition. But the thing that keeps me grounded and centered is choosing regulation. When I hear myself start to escalate (“come on hurry up, we are going to be late, mommy is going to get into trouble”) I remind myself that I value regulation above being on time. I’d rather be 5 minutes late than start our day with yelling (it has happened and those days are harder for me to recover and focus on work).
My choosing of regulation doesn’t start there though. The day before, all week long I have been implementing tools to support my nervous system in having the coping chemicals to make that choice!! For me that is movement (when I’m not 8.5 months pregnant), deep pressure via self massage, compression clothing, crunchy and chewy snacks and rocking in a chair. This is not a random list, this is curated on knowing my own nervous system and what supports it. Even as an occupational therapist with years of experience in this, it took me time to find my powerhouse tools.
3- Forgiving yourself for dysregulation. Like I said to start, dsyregulation will happen, it isn’t an indicator that there is something wrong with you or that you are doing a “bad job”. We don’t want to be stuck there. We don’t want to spend so much time feeling burnt out, overwhelmed or anxious that it becomes our “normal”. But traveling in and out of those feelings is completely normal and healthy!
I get very dysregulated in the middle of the night when my daughter isn’t sleeping. She loves to rub my arms and chest and the touch is very overstimulating to me. On top of that I have been having some SI joint issues and laying with her often exacerbates them. I work so hard to try and choose regulation in that moment. But I don’t always succeed. Sometimes I burst out with a “stop rubbing me” in a tone that I don’t like using. Immediately afterwards I feel awful about it. So I hug and kiss my sweet girl, I tell her mommy is sorry and that she really does need to stop rubbing me. As I am comforting her I remind myself that the large majority of the time I am a regulated and connected mother. That I got dysregulated in that moment and that it is a normal nervous system response AND many people would not be happy being up in the middle of the night. And then I try to give myself some coping chemicals. I might stick my leg straight up in the air for some input to my joints and muscles or do a quick progressive muscle relaxation exercise.
If we were to go to the doctor and find out we had problem with our heart we would work to fix it. We might make lifestyle changes, choose medication, we would do something. We wouldn’t just say, “welp that is the way it is” or “I’ll just try harder” or “there is something wrong with me that my heart isn’t functioning properly”. And yet that is what we do when our nervous system is struggling. We say we will try harder, do better…. We beat ourselves up for “being this way” and start to believe this is just how it is. But it isn’t.
Your nervous system is as much a part of your body as your heart and you need both functioning properly to live a full and happy life! I once heard it described as taking tylenol for a headache that is caused by a brain tumor. The tylenol isn’t going to work….
I recommend, with my full heart, choosing regulation. Learning about the nervous system, becoming aware of how it functions and beginning to explore the tools to help your nervous system function at it’s optimal. Kind of like your life depends on it…
Want support in learning how to do this? Check out my program Happy Mom Summer. It is full of informational audios and tools to empower you to choose regulation all summer (and really all year) long.
