Setting your kids up to feel safe and supported
In my last post I talked all about our nervous system autopilot and how it impacts us on a daily basis. When our autopilot is one of fear (which was my example) it makes everything kind of suck, it’s like riding a bike uphill on the hardest gear. When we can shift into a place of “I am safe and supported” things feel easier. We believe in ourselves, we feel more capable and tend to think more clearly. So much of this autopilot is set for us as kids. We can make changes in adulthood because our brains are plastic. But wouldn’t it be great if our go to setting from the beginning was one of safety and support? Like many parents I want to do this for my kids to the best of my ability, but how?
This is not an exhaustive list, there are lots of ways to parent that support your child in having a solid start. However, these are my go tos, the ones I rely on most in my own life with my own kids.
MY REGULATION FIRST
I talk about this somewhat ad nauseam but I’ll keep saying it because it is so important. Co-regulation is a pretty popular parenting topic. Co-regulation refers to the fact that a young child does not have a fully formed pre-frontal cortex. We use our prefrontal cortex to manage lots of things, including big feelings. Since this isn’t fully formed in childhood our kids will look to us to help them manage these big feelings and regulate. I am really passionate in supporting parents here. Yes it is super important to be there to co-regulate our kids. But we have nervous systems too and when our kids are tantruming or upset this is dysregulating to our system. Not to mention all of the stressors of daily life. You have to regulate YOU first. And this isn’t just to co-regulate your kids. We have something called mirror neurons, that literally mirror the neurons of the brains around us. As young kids, we watch how our main caregivers handle stress, our mirror neurons store this info. Your kids are literally imprinting your stress and regulation approach as their own. If I want my kids to feel safe and supported, I have to feel that way and I have to show them how I handle it when I don’t.
CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT OF SAFETY SANS THE PANIC
This one can be tricky and so much of it is a reflection of my own nervous system state. If I am constantly rushing around and then saying to my kids “hurry up”, what kind of nervous system autopilot does that create (for all of us)? If someone asks me how I am doing and I say “things are crazy”, what kind of nervous system autopilot does that create? If every time my child goes to do something I say “be careful” or “watch out”- what signal does this send to them about the world and life? Of course we want to keep our children safe, duh. But how many times does “be careful” tumble out of your mouth out of habit or your own nervous system settings versus actual danger? And how many other phrases do you say to your kids that are really about your internal settings and not what they are doing? This comes up for us a lot in the mornings. If I am frustrated about getting out of the house on time I notice I start talking really fast and saying things like “hurry up, hurry up, we are going to be late, mommy’s going to get in trouble for being late”. Eeek. I don’t love this, but I use it as a sign that I’m dysregulated. I then go back to the first point I made, my regulation first. Re-regulate me (the best I can), slow the f down and realize we are totally safe and then get done what needs to be done.
BE A HUMAN, SAY YOU’RE SORRY
This one right here is so important. You are going to get dysregulated, you are going to say things and act in ways you wish you hadn’t. And your kids are going to perceive things about your actions that you find totally ridiculous. For the love of all things holy, SAY YOU ARE SORRY. Here is how I do it. I apologize, I explain why I did it but acknowledge it may have been hurtful and then I ask for forgiveness. Because you know what feels really unsafe? You know what creates a lot of fear and confusion about being supported? Not having your feelings validated. If you feel that someone has hurt you and that person won’t even acknowledge it, how safe do you feel around them? And if that person is your main caregiver and you are just a little kid….how safe do you feel in general? There are moments where I think it is 2000% ridiculous to apologize to my kids. One time Jack said to me “I was very upset all day at school because of the way you acted in the morning”. Ouch. What had I done? I had every so slightly raised my voice because he wouldn’t walk into his school and it got me flustered. So many parts of me wanted to say “don’t you know you have the greatest life!!”. But instead I said “I’m really sorry bud. Mommy was super hungry and frustrated you wouldn’t go into school. I wish that hadn’t happened. Would you forgive me?”. What does this show him? He is safe to be mad, that I believe him, he is supported and that it is okay to get dysregulated from time to time.
Now, when you read all this the last thing I want is for you to feel guilty or pressure to be “perfect”. You won’t be, no one is. We all get dysregulated, we are meant to! I mess all this up allllll the time. But I keep coming back to these points:
-Regulate me first
-Create an environment of safety not panic
-Say sorry when I mess up
These “tips” help me feel safe too and I know they help my kiddos. The more we can regulate all of our nervous systems (both together and as individuals) the more we can co-regulate together!
